"Dinner Isn't Late...It's Suspenseful."

I absolutely love this new blog. Matthewsers is funny, smart, and slightly irreverent. What's not to love? Here are a few choice quotes:

"Dinner isn't burnt/completely carcinogenic/could be used as charcoal sticks for caveman drawings...it's smokey. Or Cajun?"
"And the biohazards in the fridge? Just think of them as biodiversity. Flourishing biodiversity. Perhaps you'd prefer to think of them as wildlife?"

So go check it out, and get a few laughs!

Signs You Might Work in Childcare

You might work in childcare if:

1) You cough into your elbow (to avoid spreading germs)

2) You avoid touching children's elbows, knowing that they just sneezed into them.

3) You know what lice look like, and can identify a nit.

4) You can discuss exploding diapers without flinching.

5) You find yourself singing the clean up song as you clean your apartment.

6) You have four spare pairs of gloves in your winter coat for the children who don't have any or forgot theirs at home.

7) You use positive reinforcement and avoid negative statements. "Use your walking feet!"


8) You find yourself telling someone to not lick the window, and then wonder how you could have phrased it positively.

9) You've ever had to explain why your pockets were filled with toy cars and plastic monkeys at the security checkpoint at a hockey game.

Stay Alert!

This seems to be the mantra in my apartment. You can't turn your back without your blankets being spirited off and hidden in some dark closet, or having your dirty socks "hung up by the chimney with care." I was on the phone once, talking to my family in Minnesota, and suddenly found the entire contents of my purse adorning our Christmas tree. It's a good thing I didn't drive to the store that night---my wallet was strung up!

You also have to beware of flying objects. Rubber bands, footballs, soccer balls---they are all fair game. My best advice is to duck and cover. If you do get involved, expect a few bruises.

At least life is never dull at my house.

Snake Cat!

Beware of the snake cat!

Kids Say the Funniest Things

One of the advantages of working in an early childhood education center is all of the funny quotes that I get to hear throughout the day. Amid the children who communicate mainly in Baby Signs or growls, I also get to hear these fun quotes:

1) "I like playing Michael Jackson with my friends." Not creepy at all.

2) "Where do babies come from?" Given that I'm your teacher and not your parent, I don't think I'll be answering this one.

3) "We don't bury our friends!" A three year old parroting a rule given earlier that day---who knew that it would have to be used twice in one day?

4) "Boogers!" The observation that every teacher dreads, knowing that they will be the ones to remove said boogers. Where's the hand sanitizer when you need it?

5) "Am I your pet?" A three year old's question after his mom puts him on a leash. I loved her response: "You're my pet iguana Iggy!"

Aren't children fun?

Ways You Know You Work with Children

You may work with children if...
1) You've ever told a child "Don't pee on the sink!"
2) You find yourself singing the clean up song at home while washing the dishes.
3) You can push a swing one handedly.
4) You can put five kids to sleep in ten minutes or less.
5) You spend your mornings scraping congealed cereal and milk off the floor.
6) You have calluses from pushing swings.
7) You've perfected your "teacher's voice": loud and no nonsense
8) You break up three fights a day, wipe ten noises an hour, and diaper eight children
9) You've ever picked up a spider to save it from being squashed by anxious children.
10) You get twelve hugs and sloppy kisses at the end of the day.

Blood, Spit, and Tears

My little three year old at the Head Start center was busy today.


One of the other three year olds taught him how to use spit as a weapon, prompting much disgust among the other children and two "think times" after he tried to spit on teachers.

Ew. That's all I can say. Ew.

The Laundry Room

My roommate lives in my laundry room.


There. I've said it. She came to us out of a really bad situation (her landlady gave her less than 24 hours notice that she'd need to leave due to a messy divorce), so she originally was just going to crash on our floor for a few days. A few days turned into a couple of weeks, and no housing leads were panning out. Money was tight (AmeriCorps offers a living stipend just at the poverty line), and we all really enjoyed each others' company. My other two roommates and I were open to having her stay, but knew that she couldn't live in our living room forever. Even though she repeatedly reassured us that she was fine with the situation, and could easily make up a partition out of curtains, we knew that it wouldn't be a comfortable long term arrangement.


Our one empty space was the laundry room. It's six feet by four feet, and uncarpeted. However, for someone who's just looking for a place to sleep, it's perfect. We knew it was likely that eventually she's crave her own space and find an apartment, but were fine if it turned out to be a permanent arrangement.

It's been two months. Even though it was really awkward when her mom visited and saw our huge apartment, and then her little room, she repeatedly reassures us that she loves the space.

What secrets do you have lurking in your closets?

Cat on the Computer

Why is it that cats want to be in the most inconvenient places? Sit down with a textbook on your lap, and inevitably, a cat will crawl on top of it, purring away. Sit down at the piano to play, and suddenly your kitten is a concert pianist, banging away on the keys left and right. You can check out more hilarious pictures at Lolcats.

What's your funniest cat story?

eHarmony

Recently, my roommates came across a free trial offer for eHarmony. Given that it was nearly eleven on a Saturday night, what could be more entertaining than filling out the application form?

eHarmony asks some very strange questions. Take, for instance, their inquiry as to whether you feel: Safe? Plotted against? or Out of control? Who would honestly answer that they felt plotted against?

They also asked you to rate how you viewed yourself on a scale of not at all to very much so. Some possible characteristics? Quarrelsome, honest, and impulsive. I suppose the honest bit proved just how honest you were: if you listed very much so, obviously you were lying; if you listed not at all, who would want to date you?

They also asked how important your partner's various traits were to you: your sexual compatibility, the romantic attractiveness you felt for your partner, and you partner's attractiveness.

Wow. All I can say is that I'm so happy I don't qualify for eHarmony. Have any of you tried online dating sites?

My Kid Is Special!

So my three year old at the Head Start is a little special. The fact that two of his rules are: "Don't lick the window!" and "Don't pee on the sink!" says it all.

It was your typical nap time: a few tears, twelve stories, four backrubs, and all thirteen children were out for the count. I had just finished taping together a few books that our "angry child" had ripped and had moved to the sink to wash my hands (kids get the weirdest things on books). Suddenly a little face popped up by the edge of the sink. It was Noah, my little trouble making machine.

I waited for him to slip by me into the kids' bathroom, or say that he had a nightmare. Instead, he kept looking straight ahead with a glazed look in his eyes. A few seconds passed, and I began to grow concerned.

"Noah? Noah, stop!"

I could hardly believe my eyes. He was peeing against the sink.

I jumped back, not eager to get my flip flops, or my toes, wet. Why, or why, hadn't I worn my sneakers that day? Baby pee I can handle. Three year old drenching pee? Not so much.

I got him to stop long enough to direct him to the toilet. After he washed his hands, still expressionless, he went back to bed.

When I brought the incident up with the lead teacher, she was incredulous. This had never happened before. Yet the puddle next to the sink was vivid proof that something crazy was going on.

When Noah woke up from his nap fifteen minutes later, we led him over to the puddle to help with clean-up. He kept asking why he was cleaning up, and what the big puddle was.

It turns out we have a sleepwalker on our hands. And not just your garden variety sleepwalker, but a walking, peeing sleepwalker.

This year is going to be fun.

Kitty Gets Tickled

Just a little something to brighten up your day! Check out more at Lolcats and funny pictures. After a rough day at work (how many times can one kid bite you in day? Just how many dirty diapers can one teacher change?), this is a definite stress reliever.

How do you relieve stress?

"Do You Want to Smell My Man Breath?"

You have to love three year olds. I woke little Jeremiah up from his nap, and needless to say, he wasn't pleased. However, when he finally got over the tragedy, he was cheery enough to offer the chance to smell his "man breath." When I asked him whether it smelled good, he looked at me like I was crazy, before replying very exasperatedly, "No, it's smelly!

It definitely beat the day that I went to put Tony to sleep, and he tried to punch me. And put boogers in another teacher's hair. And bit the co-teacher. Three year olds are a strange, crazy bunch.

You Can't See Me!

You have to love little kids. Their idea of hide and seek is to cover their eyes, or turn around. Apparently, if they can't see you, you can't see them. So we have little kids hiding from their parents at pick up time with their legs sticking out from behind a corner, or curled up in a little ball with their head hidden. They also love to call out that they left half an hour ago.

Kids are silly.

Missing Socks?

So this is where all of my socks went! I had been wondering!

Wear Flipflops, Avoid Electrocution!

This is how you get hot water in Guatemala. Never mind the circuitry just inches from the rushing water. This baby gets you a good eight minutes of scalding hot water, then showers you with icy cold refreshment.

Personal safety tip? Wear flipflops, and avoid electrocution.

Will the Baby Get Out?

Four year olds are cute. They are also incredibly curious, which can sometimes lead to awkward situations. Take, for instance, what happened to a fellow AmeriCorps volunteer at her More at Four program.

A mother came to pick up her son at preschool. She was seven months pregnant, and obviously showing. A four year old came up to her, and asked what she had in her stomach. When she answered, "A baby!", of course the girl felt compelled to ask how it got there.

Another child chimed in cheerfully, "She ate it!" Before anyone could correct him (although, who would want to actually delve into the explanation?), another child asked how the baby was going to come out.

"Oh, the doctor will take the baby out of my stomach," the mother covered gracefully.

"That's not true!" A young boy with a midwife mother announced defiantly. "The baby is going to come out of her vagina!" he declared loudly.

Personally, I am really glad that I was nowhere near this exchange. How in the world do you deal with these awkward conversations? Sex education is important, but four years old is a little young to begin sex education. Anything you say will make at least one parent angry. Distraction is the only way to go.

"Hey, look, a spider!"

Strange Places to Sleep

My cat always chose the strangest places to sleep---upside down on the top of the couch, in the bathroom sink, under the couch cover---you never knew quite where you'd find her.

I had a friend in college who had the enviable ability to sleep just about anywhere---on the grass next to the busy commons, in the corner of a dining hall, on the roof of the residence hall---he was able to crash just about anywhere and catch up on a few hours of sleep he missed while studying for exams. It's a useful skill to have. Personally, I could crash in the music rooms (little individual rooms with a piano inside). I would just push a bench up against the door and catch a few hours of sleep between classes. Since I was shuffling between multiple campuses, this was a useful way to pass a few hours.

Don't Look at the Mess. Look at the Cute.

This is totally my cat. Such a sweet, innocent face, masking a whole other personality: a little crazy, but so cute.

Check out more cute cats at I Can Has Cheezburger?

Something Has Crashed On My Computer

This is totally like my cat. If you are reading a book (0r worse, a newspaper), yours is the one lap that Tiger wants to sit on. Forget the coaxing of the other two people in the room; he only has eyes for you.

This makes studying for a test or brushing up on the daily news challenging. The solution? Resign yourself to a few minutes of stress relief, and pet the rascally cat.